ORIGINALLY WRITTEN JANUARY 2014
{This video kills me. I could watch it a million times. Family life – no matter how many souls under your roof – can be tiresome and tough. Kiss a clean house goodbye. Quiet. Peace. …but say HELLO to laughing like you never would before and a joy that surpasses tidiness and predictability.}
There’s nothing like ringing in the new year to make me sit back and take a look at my life thus far. Triumph, failure, health, etc. What struck me in my annual assessment this year was a determination to improve our family life. It’s time to evaluate the domestic church, the family, the most basic unit of society. It’s time to take an honest look at how open to life we are to the ones at home.
The Catholic colloquialism “open to life” is more often used in reference to Natural Family Planning (NFP) and efforts against abortion; and though it’s certainly relevant, the idea has a broader umbrella involving family life as a whole. Openness to life goes widely unconsidered when it comes to the domestic church, but it’s both fundamental and paramount for a family to thrive. When society prominently participates in what Blessed John Paul II called the Culture of Death, we have to remain firm in our Catholic conviction that a culture of LIFE is the way to imitate Christ and welcome Him into our homes.
The roots of any family grow from deep within marriage. It seems uncharted to apply the idea of being open to life here, but it’s paramount if you’re seeking real peace and joy, even in a chaotic house. More easily said that done, right? In any normal situation, being open to life in marriage means seeking to understand before being understood; it means helping your spouse reach goals and dreams; but we know marriage isn’t always wedded bliss. I know sometimes it takes a concerted effort to maintain a welcoming spirit to Andrew, but who should be more welcome in my life than the man I married?? Right now I’m trying to focus on welcoming Andrew’s opinion, insight, and decisions especially when it comes to disagreeing. We’ve learned (a million times over) that in an argument, our focus shouldn’t be him vs. me, it should be finding common ground together. It takes patience to validate his feelings and sacrifice my desire to be heard. Ultimately though, it’s better to support the two of us as a team instead of trying to “win” an argument alone; and for us it’s a demonstration of acceptance if we’re feeling defensive or vulnerable.
In every Catholic wedding, a couple makes vows to be faithful, total, exclusive, and fruitful. That’s right – Catholics make a sacred vow that they’ll accept children from God in their union; and while there are certainly just reasons to postpone pregnancy in marriage, we’re encouraged to welcome little souls into our families apart from society’s message that kids are a messy inconvenience (Catechism of the Catholic Church 2367-2368). To commit to the vows on your wedding day is to accept the whole personhood of your spouse and to give your entire self in return. For this reason, the Catholic Church teaches that contraception is wrong because it places a condition on the covenant made with God and your spouse; a condition that says, I accept all of you, except your fertility. I accept God’s plan for us, except if He wants to bless us with children (CCC 2370). Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean we need mindlessly have baby after baby after baby; God gifted us with reason to prayerfully discern the growth of our families and we are free to employ Natural Family Planning for the achievement or deferral of pregnancy (CCC 2370). At this point, it’s obvious that remaining open to more children is not some rosy ideal for affluent, peaceful families – this is a hardcore challenge not for the faint of soul. It takes courageous faith in God’s providence and grace because, let’s be real, parenting isn’t the most comfortable job out there and I can think of a hundred vacations I’d like to take, a nicer car to drive, or more hours to sleep at night. For Andrew and me, wrangling small children tests our mettle hour by hour with tantrums from toddlers and infant insomnia; and truly, the thought of starting over with another new baby some day is exhausting. But we ask for the grace to be open, always open, to what God will ask of our family, knowing the value of one life is incomparable to anything else.
And speaking of kids, am I the only one who need to make a conscious effort to be receptive to them? We get used to our kids being around, maybe a little annoyed with them if they’re, y’know, being kids; and there are no family members who can drain parents so much as their own children. As a mother of three little boys, I get how much our sons need us and to be honest, it’s pretty taxing. But I notice that the exhaustion is cut in half, surprisingly, the more I invest in them, the more I listen to them, and the more I set aside what I’m doing for the sake of being with them. My two older sons are 3 ½ and 2 years old, but even as little ones they have concerns, ideas, and activities they want to do. I’m amazed at how much happier and more energetic they are when I’m more of a Yes Mom. Yes, I’ll look you in the eyes when you’re speaking. Yes, your concerns are my concerns. We can’t color right now, but yes we can after your nap. I’ve heard that parenting becomes more challenging as children get older, but I have a hunch that if our boys know they can come to us now, they’ll come to us later. Being open to life as a parent means being open to the life you helped create, the life playing in the room down the hall and sitting at the table next to you. How often are we open to hearing our children out? Do we welcome their opinions, imperfections, and mistakes with loving guidance and correction? The child of a parent who’s open to life will walk confident in his or her own value and be more inclined to receive others.
Openness to life among family – husbands, wives, and children alike – is of paramount importance to the thriving of the domestic church and the Catholic Church as a whole; but none of it is possible unless we’re open to the Author of Life Himself. The keys to accepting spouses and children are recognizing God’s profound love for them, and investing our time and attention without counting the cost. So it is in a relationship with God; invest yourself in Him with reckless abandon by making time for personal prayer, pray for and with your spouse, and pray for yourself. Demonstrate a humble example by praying with your children no matter what age. Marriage and family life demand much from any person; to succeed we need active relationships with God and opportunities to sharpen ourselves, making us equal to the task by God’s grace.
In the Shreveport Diocese, we’re blessed with a special zeal for life, the fruit of which being two extraordinary events happening within just a few weeks. For the first time in diocesan history, we’re hosting our very own marriage conference on Saturday, January 25th. The conference will cover topics like fighting fair, Natural Family Planning – a talk given by some great friends of ours, second marriages, and more. Additionally, Bishop Michael Duca’s 4th Annual Pro-Life Banquet, Living By Faith, is February 20th ; a perfect chance to learn more about being pro-life and to support the growing cause here at home. Find registration and more information for both events on www.dioshpt.org.
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original piece published in the January 2014 issue of the Catholic Connection
