I ran 2 miles yesterday. 2 whole miles. That doesn’t sound like a lot so let’s call it 10,560 feet; and I ran them all without stopping.
I took this photo – that’s my shoe
This is huge for me. Not because I’ve never been “the athletic type” or because the only other time I’ve run 2 miles was 4 1/2 years ago, but because I realized just last week (on a run of 7,920 feet) that I’m afraid of pain. Or discomfort. Or maybe just inconvenience in general. I hesitate at unknowns, I avoid confrontation at the expense of bottling carbonated emotions, and I like to have control over situations before entering; which doesn’t happen often so I find myself saying no quite a bit. “No, I can’t run that far because I’m not strong enough,” or “No, I can’t take the kids there on my own – what if they go crazy on me?” No thank you, I’m not comfortable with that. On my run, I kept absolving myself from pushing my limit thinking, It’s ok if I stop to walk because I don’t want to over do it; but I knew I was perfectly fine and didn’t need rest so I kept the pace.
After roughly 5 minutes of introspective reflection, I have concluded that the reason why I fear uncomfortable, unpredictable, or inconvenient situations is I think I have to manage all things 100% on my own. I don’t even consider God as a present factor. Isn’t that crazy? Here I sit, relying on God for every single breath, yet I’ve deluded myself into thinking that everything I do is done by myself and I don’t depend on God. Impossible. Untrue.
It seems that the antidote to all of this is a strong shot of reality. The reality is that I need God and that I’ve always needed God, even in times when I forgot about Him or neglected to call on His mercy. My dependence on God is independent of the fact that I thought I didn’t depend on him at all – does that make sense? Reality is that I need to just trust in His will. God wills only goodness for my soul so to put my trust in myself (weak, apparently fearful) over Him (omnipotent, omniscient, omni-everything-good-and-holy) is a mistake. It’s not enough to know I need God, however; I have to act on it to truly surrender: prayer, sacrifice, penance, and most importantly frequent Communion. The mark of any belief is corresponding action and God will work through my steady, yet weak obedience to carry me through unknowns.
Life can’t be lived if we simply remain. We can’t be happy if we don’t pursue it. We can’t fulfill the hope of adventure sitting in a chair. That’s a life of fear, which is just a sorry attempt to control; but it’s just not my job to control, it’s my job to surrender to God’s will and oh what a happier, richer life I will live with so many more miles under my feet.
