Reaping Grace from a Generous Sower

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FACT #1: Life is easier when I decide to be happy.
FACT #2: Misery abounds when I pick discontentment over joy.

I don’t know what my gig was – maybe I felt like the only human trapped in the monkey house, maybe I need more time in prayer (…not maybe) – but I full-on embraced the crabby mood I was in. I was short with Andrew before he left for work, and overly irritable with our three boys, who seemed more demanding and destructive. From under my rumbling cloud, the house looked like a disaster and I was bitter about everything and feeling sorry for myself.

Pregnant and overwhelmed by my tribe comprised of a wailing-n-teething 15 month old, a potty-training 2 year old on the brink, and a 4 year old repeatedly whining for TV (and repeatedly denied), I felt my anger swell to what was sure to be a second or third surge of yelling and time-outs that morning; but, before anyone could shout THAR SHE BLOWS! I imploded.

Exhausted under the weight of my mood, I caved and just let go.

I looked at my whining 4 year old and tickled him instead of snapping. I stopped outrunning my teething baby to hold him, escorting my potty-trainee to the bathroom and we made up songs about washing hands. Andrew came in and I greeted him with a kiss and a smile, asking about his day.

It was like an out-of-body experience; a shift so sudden that I was watching myself be all sweet and compassionate, wondering where Jekyll hid Hyde and would anyone find out.

You know that fork in the road where you can choose to move on, choose sweetness, and decide to be happy OR continue conjuring misery for yourself and everyone else? WHY is that such a hard choice to make in the moment?

Every life has frustrations and sometimes they conspire to pile up on the same day…and sometimes I just imagine they are. It’s easy to wallow in a bad mood, throw a fit, begging for something to go my way – not that it would satisfy me if it did; but while I’m waiting for the world to meet my unspoken expectations, the storm just brews. And when I’m in the middle of it, nothing seems more impossible than simply deciding to be happy and let go. Just like *that*, the bulb switched on when God’s grace enabled me to see my family instead of myself. Though none of my responsibilities changed, what did was the whole feel of the house. The boys saw that I was fine, which melted their clinginess and converted their whines to laughing. When tears and minor crises did strike, I was able to handle them without losing my cool.

So what on earth happened?? Nothing short of a miracle could have dragged me out of myself – God offered his grace and for half a second I had the presence of mind to accept. The rector of our parish gave a rockstar homily yesterday about the Parable of the Sower; he articulated that like the Sower and his seed, God showers his graces everywhere to everyone, despite knowing it will bear fruit in only receptive soil. Every soul falls under the umbrella of his grace and mercy, even the wife and mama throwing herself a pity party over the life she elected to have. With this in mind, I’m forced to examine how well I accept God’s love and grace and how well I channel them to the souls entrusted to me.

A woman is the heart of her home and, like the rudder of a ship, can determine whether we all head for the storm or aim for more peaceful waters. I have never seen this more clearly than that day. I thought of my family and their needs instead of thinking how “nothing was going right for me.” With a half ounce of humility, I thought Get over yourself. My poor kids – they’re so little and don’t understand why Mama would be snippy and impatient. Being moody puts pressure on them to meet some unknown expectation; and small as they are, they’re left floundering for how to behave well and make me smile.  Considering that God never stops offering his mercy, that means that have the option to never stop accepting and sharing. And so, because it takes grace to help me even accept grace, I’m adding this to my list of prayer intentions.

Later I found this gem from St. Francis and immediately identified with its truth. “Where there is patience and humility, there is neither anger nor vexation.” (Pin it!) Deliberately choosing to set myself aside  to be patient for the sake of my family as a whole, whose needs are much greater than my wants, will yield peace.

 

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