Me: “Why would I want to pay money to watch the most stressful excerpts of my life on a massive movie screen?”
Him: “Because your friends are going.”
I’ll be honest – I didn’t want to see it. I wanted social time, a night away from the house with girlfriends and that’s why I went. Secretly, I wasn’t looking forward to watching it all unfold. I knew the movie would emphasize the mess and stress of mommyhood and quite frankly, I get enough of that off screen. I knew it would resemble my life.
And I was right.
Seeing Mom’s Night Out was like looking into a mirror. Ally, the aspiring blogger/at-home mom of three (like me) is a mess trying to look like she’s got it together (ahem…like me). A neat freak clamoring for peace in a houseful of clutter (me), she dreamt of being a wife and mother for ages (me again) and yet remains stupefied as to why she’s so. incredibly. unhappy.
I prefaced my Interview on “Staying Southern” post with the promise of an explanation as to why The Catholic Wife has lain so quiet and still.
Full disclosure: I’m strung out.
Life is slightly on the up from the past few months, but before the break in the clouds, I was depressed. I’m not totally out of the woods yet, but the combination of my father’s passing last September and the everyday stress of vocational living got to me in a really bad way. We all have our own issues, right? Mine resurfaced with a vengeance and I found myself struggling trying to keep up the house (and doing a horrible, horrible job) and being snippy with Andrew and the boys. Smiles became forced and my attitude soured. Why did I ever think I wanted this life? And it snowballed. Not being a sweet wife and mama + being months (I’m talking months) behind on laundry and the rest of the house + wishing my chosen life away made me feel like I wasn’t worth a dang. Not good enough for anybody. A failure.
Back to the movie –
So there I was, tearfully cringing watching myself on a larger-than-life movie screen. A writer who can’t muster the energy to write. A mother who isn’t patient. A wife who constantly needs her [probably equally strung out] husband to lift her up over and over because the first thousand times didn’t work. In an act of desperation, she unplugs to get a night out and here’s a shocker – it backfires. Sort of.
Though no part of the evening goes as planned, the happy conclusion that works for every mama goes like this:
A) If I think I’m not good enough, it’s because I’m not good enough for me and I’m being too hard on myself.
B) “Life is about finding the meaning and the joy and the purpose in all the chaos…”
C) It’s true that God gave my husband and boys as a gift to me, but just as certain is the fact that God gave me as a gift to them. God doesn’t make mistakes and He thinks that I’m capable of all this. Jesus, I trust in You.
It’s silly to think that I could be totally happy 100% of the time in my line of work. While I’m humbled to experience my family from home and truly happy to do so, it’s stressful and noisy. Hoping for shiny perfection will (and has) only yield frustration and despair. To Andrew and my boys, I offer myself entirely and still come up short only because I’m not patient with myself and I think I can somehow manage to go through life without fully depending on God. The only way I’ll ever have a modicum of peace is if I ask Christ to be present with me every second of the day; to start my day with a Morning Offering; to ask Him to calm me down when my kids are nuts and my husband is hungry; and above all, to trust that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image to live the life He’s called me to live. I’m made for it. Ally put it so well – “I’m a mess, but I’m a beautiful mess. I’m His masterpiece and that’s enough.”
Sidenote:
Aside from the generally affirming, validating, and consoling message in the movie – let’s hear it for…
…Sean Astin playing a supportive, understanding, intelligent husband instead of the typical “idiot dad” who can’t handle a thing and is clueless about his wife.
…No sexual content!
…A major motion picture that is so unapologetically Christian and encouraging on the basis of Christ’s love.
…a movie about real family life (in all sorts of stages) that men will enjoy as well as women.
Check it out.
I loved the movie too Katie.I didn’t know if I was crying more or laughing more. happy moms day.
Katie – I love you and your ability to lay yourself open so honestly. Can’t wait to see the movie – thanks for the recommendation. Check your email. . . .
Thanks for the review! I was avoiding it because the posters make it look like “the hangover” female version. Up go check it out
Thanks for your honesty, Katie! I am glad that the movie had a positive impact on you and now I’m excited to go see it.
Katie, thank you so very much for keeping it real! I’ve been beating myself up thinking I was an utter failure at doing what God has called me to do. The constant Martha vs. Mary inner battle tends to gloom my mood. Thank you for sharing that you experience the same battles. I look forward to seeing the movie and perhaps laughing at myself in the process! God bless!
Should I take my wife or get her to go with some friends? I would like to take her, but is the girls night out a good excuse to make it happen? What do you think?
Also, just a word of encouragement. We have nine and our youngest are 8, 6, 3. We’ve been married 23 years and the years when the oldest three were 5, 2, and 1 were very hard while going through it. Life is still hectic and messy but we’ve persevered through many hard times and our love (and affection) for each other are stronger than ever. We fall short in many ways personally and together, but we hold to our vow and make it goal to please Him. (II Cor. 5:9) It is so worth it, like labor pain in childbirth, (says my wife). Keep pressing on! (Phil.3:13-14)
I don’t think you can go wrong either way, David! I had a great time seeing it with my friends, but there were so many times I wished my husband were there to see it with me. I can’t wait to watch it with him when it comes out.
And thank you for the encouragement – I’ve heard that these particular ages (4, 2.5, 1, one on the way) are pretty difficult. Our 4 y.o. can do a lot of things for himself now, but his brothers still need someone to change them, dress them, put shoes on, etc. Nearly everything. It’s exhausting, but like you said, so very very worth it. All they do is love us and their sweetness softens me when I’m feeling frustrated.
Again, thank you so much for your insight. We attended a wedding recently and both of us remarked on how refreshing it was listening to the couple make their vows – the same vows we said at ours. It gave us a renewed sense of our purpose and mission to love each other.
Katie, your’e beautiful inside and out.
Love,
Mom
Thank you, Mom 🙂 I must get it from you! 😉
I think your feelings are completely… normal? If not normal, then well experienced by many mamas of little ones. It’s so easy to get bogged down by the wants and needs of everyone around us. We are expected to carry burdens without much thanks, but you’re right too: having a supportive husband can make a world of difference as can holding on tight to our faith.
You can do it!
i appreciate the great effort that young Catholic writers are making to instill real Catholic thinking into modern day society. But one thing that is overlooked is the fact that we need real models of modesty.
I work with kids to reduce high risk behaviors and one way to promote chastity is to promote modest dress. But even the most Catholic of publications always have women in clothing which shows off skin and even Catholic schools have uniforms for girls that are miniskirts!
It is a statistical fact that the more skin a woman shows, the more likely that she will be a target. She is sending out a signal that hopefully, she is not meaning to send. Women need to cover themselves in order not to be a temptation to men. That is a basic, basic reality of the human condition.
It makes me sad and uneasy that even “conservative” Christian publications do not seem to take this into consideration. Even Mormon publications are acutely aware and careful of how their women dress. Isn’t it time that good Catholics take a long hard look at what we are modeling?
Oh Katie! I felt the same way, watching that movie was like seeing myself:). But it was soooo good to laugh really hard, (like pee my pants hard!), and know that other moms are feeling/experiencing the same thing. Just knowing you’re not out there alone definitely helps. Motherhood is wonderful, the best, but gosh darn it can be very, very hard too. I think God allows it to be really hard so we learn to lean on Him and depend on Him. I have finally come to realize on a fairly consistent basis that I need His help throughout my day. And when I started to ask for His help more often I also began to thank Him and love Him more throughout the day. He keeps me sane:)