Joyful Homemaking & Channeling Your Inner Charlotte Lucas

“Oh Lizzie, it’s SUCH a pleasure to run my own home!”

Hands down, my favorite line from Joe Wright’s Pride & Prejudice, delivered with freedom felt by the fresh-off-the-market Charlotte (Lucas) Collins.

As a new bride in a new apartment with a new husband, I exuded every ounce of Charlotte Lucas Joy imaginable. I put flowers on the mantle, made anything and everything from scratch, and spaced the towels evenly in the closet. Dreamy. To be the “lady of the house” was a total thrill and I relished in the responsibility. Our place had its quirks and weirdo neighbors, but I was set on making our 500 square-foot section a home.

7 1/2 years and four babies later, that enthusiasm needs a little more fanning. Think Allyson from Mom’s Night Out. I love our house; we’ve painted every wall inside and out, decorated, and settled in. It’s ours and my precious family fills it up, but it’s stress and I’m tired.

And here’s a confession: Nearly every Sunday afternoon, after two days of our family taking out without much putting away and nary a moment of fanciful freedom so characteristic to the American Weekend, and trying to prep for Mass surrounded by clutter and matchless socks, I freak out – always inwardly, sometimes outwardly. The burst of pressure I feel to have a clean house right this minute(!) has enough fallout to compel even our malaise-y 2 1/2 year old to pick up with our whole fam; all the while I clank my way through dirty dishes that multiply faster than rabbits. Vision totally cloudy, I can see only the mess. In seconds my thoughts go from rapture, “What a sweet house we have!” to wild fantasies of firebombing the whole joint so the laundry will go away.

But it’s when my view is 100% dark that I know my perception must be off; reality is distorted and the joy I should have is non-existent. Homeowning isn’t bliss all the time, but can a wife-n-mama get some peace in the house she loves and cares for? Contentment? Mirth?! A little mirth would set me right. Anything other than strung-out chaos.

But our situation is never, ever completely awful. So I made a list for myself {“How to be Charlotte when you’re Allyson”} in order to stretch my focus broader than momentary struggles and consequently to find the joy I misplaced – probably behind the couch; because taking my cues from Charlotte Lucas, running my own home should be a pleasure.

 1.) Be Grateful

Gratitude is magical. Make it a habit and it’ll shine your windows and dust will disappear. Lies I know, but it’d be awesome right? Look beyond the kitchen crying out for renovation and see the place where you feed your family. The worn floors are evidence of lots of lively toes. The tiny bathroom…I think that’s just a pain, but it’s not an outhouse.

Seek the sweetness because it’s there, and your home doesn’t have to be flawless or sparkling new in order to see it.

I asked St. Josemaria about my Domestic Stress Levels and he told me to perk up: “Get used to lifting your heart to God, in acts of thanksgiving[…] Because he gives you this and that. Because you haven’t what you need or because you have. Thank him for everything, because everything is good.” 

Because the truth is that ingratitude blinds us to reality; and while it would lead me to believe that there isn’t much in my house to be happy about, cultivating thanksgiving within myself opens my eyes to the Father’s incessant, abundant grace. “Everything is grace,” St. Therese assured, and living in thankfulness, we might finally see that the challenges in our homes are underwhelming compared to the blessings far more significant.

Sweet ideas, I know – but let’s talk practically.

• Make a list of what you love about your house and stick it on the fridge with a pen nearby. Add to it as thoughts come. Ask your husband what he likes. Ask your kids. Every house comes with a To Do list, but so few have a What I Love About You list.
• No one can make chores go away, but they don’t have to be a drudge. Do your favorite chores first or better yet, use them as a carrot to get through the worse ones. Or pepper them in between. They’ve gotta be done, so focus on the end result when it’s done, enjoy the view with a cup of coffee.

2.) Keep it simple

She looks well to the ways of her household,
        and does not eat the bread of idleness. (Proverbs 31:27)

It is a joy to be in a home that feels open and clean. Without the mess and clutter of more and more stuff, I feel like I can breathe and truly relax in a given room. It’s beautiful. Consider the cluttered areas that drive you crazy – what if they weren’t there? What if you kept only the clothes, books, toys, and decorations you loved instead of collecting things to fill space? Visualize your bedroom, your kids’ rooms, or the most cluttered space in the house and imagine what it would look like cleared of excess. With this picture in mind, approach your house knowing the end goal is joyful living.

I’ve long cherished this idea and principle and recently found it reinforced by the woman who is, apparently, the best of the best: I’m reading Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and feeling challenged and hopeful by her assertions. Jenny Uebbing at Mama Needs Coffee wrote a fantastic approach for us Catholics itching to KonMari with a houseful of kids, making simplifying real and accessible.

Though I totally relish in purging with the intention of ensuring our family fits in our house, the best part is when it’s over and I find rooms made new – finally out from under excess and inviting me to sit and remain. That’s a joyful experience.

3.) Above all, know the Holy Purpose of your home

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15)

Gratitude rediscovers that our home is a gift from God, and since it’s a gift, we are the stewards charged with ordering the house to our Lord’s service. St. Benedict offers that hospitality does exactly this, saying “Any guest who happens to arrive at the monastery should be received as we would receive Christ himself, because he promised that on the last day he will say: I was a stranger and you welcomed me…” (The Rule, Chapter 53).

While a clean space is a happy perk of living simply, it’s not entirely necessary to hospitality. Hospitality is a gift that comes from the heart, not just from clean corners and shelves. But graced with gratitude and simplicity, I’m eager to host and make my home a blessing to others as well as our family. I want Andrew and I plus kids to be able to function well and with ease here. A peaceful experience in the house yields an eagerness to share with any friend in a thousand-mile radius, and I love sharing our house! Conversely, it’s when I feel burdened by it – blinded by ingratitude and covered with extra stuff – and I’m eye-deep in laundry, that I’m anxious about others just stopping by, crossing my fingers that no one will think we’re home. True story.

For the wife and mother, a home is a blessing to her soul, and as the home’s Heart, she can delight in it more freely when it’s received and treated with gratitude for the blessing from God. My house has issues, but it’s mine. Charlotte Lucas was practically giddy serving tea to Lizzie Bennet simply because her space was her own. As for me, I’ll be doing my best to live in gratitude, working toward simplicity and hospitality to serve our Lord – returning to Him the gift He so graciously bestowed to an occasionally ungrateful heart.

Whatever your task, work heartily, as serving the Lord and not men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you are serving the Lord Christ. (Colossians 3:23-24)