“Have you written about homeschooling?” she asked. My friend Mary couldn’t see my wince over the phone.
I write when I have confidence about my subject, and when it comes to being the actual primary educator of my children, I have none.
Not in myself anyway.
I’m a full semester plus change into homeschooling our kindergartener and I’m in denial. Hesitant. Uncertain. Certifiably insane.
And no, I don’t really want to talk about how it’s going because it’s not. I’m barely cutting it.
Exchanging a glance with the messy woman in the mirror, there’s no way that chick stands a chance at the idealism of Catholic Homeschooling. How can I who barely has a grip on laundry and dinner possibly entertain being THE steward of my children’s education? I can’t!
Up until the day we started, I oscillated between fighting tooth and nail and then falling in love with homeschooling. Andrew was unmoved by my wavering emotions; he quietly encouraged me and told me he had confidence in me, which I did not appreciate when I wanted out.
The truth is though, that I want all in.
And I think that want is a gift from God. It’s absolutely the only thing that spurs me on.
I’m a procrastinator, a theorist with little motivation to execute, a lit match that smolders a second after the flame. My small home is often messy and the thought of leaving it with a van full of children to function in public overwhelms me. I stink at doing laundry and I’m not a good cook. All of the above make me feel like I can’t homeschool. It feels too big and too important to place in my care.
But Moses had a stutter and he spoke.
Lazarus was dead and he rose.
Mary is a virgin and she had a Baby.
I’ve presented myself to God and said, “Impossible.”
And He says, “Not for Me.”
What do you want to do that feels so far beyond yourself, so out of reach?
I see the good of homeschooling. The hope. I feel empowered knowing I get to handpick a custom education for my children, with Andrew’s full support and participation. The flexibility of choice is thrilling: choosing to keep my children at home to be steward of their thinking, choosing what we learn and when we learn it, choosing to knit our family a little more tightly in these years of Lots of Littles, and praying it’ll take.
I can choose not to worry and choose to withdraw from self-imposed pressures to form my children into grand masters of every subject. I can choose to read one more chapter of Charlotte’s Web and take a little longer playing outside (science class, right?). I can choose to wipe my anxious tears when I doubt myself and recall that I was never capable of doing this alone in the first place.
So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones. (Genesis 50:21)
[I realize this verse was spoken by Joseph; but it’s in the Bible, which is the inspired Word of God, so I’ll take it thank you.]
It’s idealistic, I know. But in these years of just beginning, I think it’s good to delight in ideals.
My favorite Gospel story (aside from the Annunciation, Cana, and Feeding of the 5,000) is when Peter walked on water. He did what no man could, something beyond his nature because he asked Christ to command it from him, then stepped out in faith.
And so it goes with our ambitions and hopes. Just because you can’t doesn’t mean you won’t. The God Who made everything from nothing, Who saves the world through love wants to amaze you and bless you with His might. He will do it.
You need only present yourself, “Impossible, Lord.”
“Not for Me.”
Amen, sister! I just started homeschooling this week. Your inspiration will be remembered when I start getting cold feet. 😉
Thank you, Lis!! Haha I hope my big “I can’t!” is inspiring 🙂 But truly, this whole thing is much bigger than me, which makes it easier to cooperate.
You have a really good perspective on this, Katie.
One of the occasional downsides of blogging is when people write about their experiences as they happen, at the expense of seeing the bigger picture or of allowing the wisdom of a situation to unfold in the heart over time (years, even). The blessings of family life, and of the particular choices that parents make which they discern are in the best interests of their own children, are often mysteries that can’t be explained publicly to others all at once. It may take time to know what you want to say.
So, “ponder in your heart” as long as you need before sharing your joys, challenges, lessons, and experiences! It makes perfect sense to do so.
You are so right about that occasional downside of blogging. I’ve read some posts from others that made me cringe for them…and I’ve written some before that have made me cringe looking back on them. I’ve started letting God lead a little more (a lot more) when it comes to tough topics that I’m right in the middle of. I’ve seen how much He brings together and teaches me a few months or even years after the fact.
Thank you so much, Kathryn. I totally agree with your sentiment – it’s easy to speak too soon and I’ve definitely done so in the past.
But one of the blessings of blogging is being able to submit my vulnerability to readers and find friendship and solidarity in their responses, especially in times like this when I’ve felt alone. I wouldn’t be blessed with messages, comments, or texts of encouragement without baring my soul just a little.
Katie,
My sister called me and told me I needed to read this post. I hadn’t had time to read it yet, but she told it was beautiful.
It was.
I’m right there with you, sister. I am homeschooling my daughter this year, and we just officially pulled our son out of his Catholic school for next year, and I’m shakin’ in my boots. I feel like I could never pull this off. Plus I feel this self-imposed pressure to make this look easy, not complain, and have my-homeschooler-knows-more-than-your-honor-student proof. Especially I am tempted to those things in the sight of the pity (yes) and doubt of some particular family and friends who have questioned our discernment. Ridiculous…but oh how the devil tempts us with whatever he can! I feel that this hard decision that we would never had made without being between a rock and a hard place is going to be a big part of God’s plan for my family AND for me. And God has given me the grace of a happy, eager, bright student at home, not to mention a great community to plug into next year once traditional school carpool isn’t bogging down my daily routine with the one-hour-plus round-trip drive once or twice a day.
Did I mention that I’m due in AUGUST? Ever since we announced the new baby, people’s first comment has often been, “Are you still planning to homeschool?” And I have to say A LOT more confidently than I feel, “Yep. We’ll be just fine.”
🙂
Erin it’s so good to see your thoughts on TCW again! I’m so honored that this post merited a phone call from your sister! Talk about humbling.
I feel strongly and with certainty that homeschooling is THE way for our family to go; it comes with its challenges and like you said, some of them are spiritual. The devil will absolutely get a foothold wherever he can, and whispering doubt, even using other goods to draw me away from this mission of ours, has been his classic M.O.
We just pulled our second out of preschool this week. A beautiful, wonderful, amazing preschool. He starts homeschooling with our oldest on Monday and I am BEYOND excited. I’m terribly heartbroken to bid farewell to such a welcoming, holy community, but there’s a peace and that fantastic “we’re all in” feeling that I’ve missed this year.
And the beauty of homeschooling is pausing and starting whenever you like – especially when God blesses you with a Sweet #4 to snuggle and take care of. I’m so so happy for you!!
This is absolutely beautiful and just what I needed to hear. Thank you and God bless you on your journey!
Thank you, Britt!! Your blog, by the way. So good. So beautiful and the *photography*…oh my word. Thank you for your work!
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read today! Trying to get back into homeschooling after a looong first trimester break (when you’re preggo and can’t get off the couch, it’s a little hard to school the littles). Thank you for your beautiful, honest words. I’ll be praying for you — you pray for me too! 🙂
I’m so glad, Lydia!! A trimester break must be hard to shake off – we took two weeks over Christmas that easily turned into four – OY!!! I hope you’re feeling better, Mama! I will absolutely be praying for you.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart. I feel like I could have written this! It’s so easy to feel unsuitable and not up to the task, but it’s SO important to remember that we don’t HAVE to be up to the task! I needed this today!
Ahhh I love your words, Christina: anytime says “I feel like I could have written this” I know a real connection has been made. Another “me too!” moment. God help us 😉 and yes, I have to remind myself fairly frequently that I don’t have to have confidence in myself for this.
Thank you for this post! Kids are constantly learning, and I’m sure you are providing a wonderful environment for your child. Hang in there and check out Seton whenever you need some inspiration or Catholic resources.
Thank you, Kate!! We’re having a good time and it’ll take a bit to hit our stride. We’re using Mater Amabilis right now, but will likely make a change when we hit 1st grade next year. Good know Seton is a good place to look!
I homeschooled our six children for a period of 22 years. There were tears, hope, despair, exhilaration, exhaustion, more tears, joy, laughter, frustration, more tears, lots of love, more tears, repentance, forgiveness from the best kids I could ever have dreamed of, and more “new starts” than I can even count. I had my husband’s full support (in fact, he talked me into home schooling in the first place, and let me THINK it was only going to be for 2 or 3 years….Haha. We took them all the way through high school.)
The benefits have been astounding. Our family is closer for it, and the faith we see in our offspring is beautiful. The icing on the cake is that now, with 11 grandchildren and 1 more on the way, every one of them is being home schooled. I always called our school “Grace Academy” secretly, because I knew it was only God’s grace that gave success to anything I did with them.
God bless you, and keep up the good work. Never give up. The purpose of education, after all, is to get their souls into Heaven.