As a convert to Catholicism there is a lot to learn that cradle Catholics often take for granted. In addition to the prayers (which, fortunately were similar to my original faith tradition), there are many physical actions that the faithful do during Mass that I had to learn.
When I first began attending Mass, before I converted, I would try to watch people out of the corner of my eye to see what they were doing and when they were doing it. When I started my conversion process, I watched them even more adamantly, trying to make sure that I would meld seamlessly with my new Catholic brothers and sisters. After all, I didn’t want to be the one idiot who everyone turned and looked at when I knelt at the wrong time or accidentally crossed myself from right to left instead of left to right.
And even after converting, I would lose track of the meaning behind the words and actions because I was so focused on getting them all right. My mind would derail, and just that quickly, I’d be in the wrong mindset for Mass.
Fortunately, we continued to attend Mass regularly and I hammered my husband and our DRE with a million questions about postures and prayers. Through their answers and patience I slowly came to realize that while these actions hold important significance and meaning, the whole congregation isn’t going to turn on me and kick me out of the pew if I mess one up. In fact, most of them are so intent on being present to the Mass that they don’t notice me at all. I began to relax, and as my mind tuned into and became present to Christ during Mass, the prayers and actions began to flow seamlessly from me.
And they have for a while now.
But, wouldn’t you know it, sometimes our burdens find ways of throwing themselves back into our paths.
photo by Been Buddy Longway
We are currently pregnant with baby number two and positively thrilled about his or her arrival this fall. But with this pregnancy has come a whole host of physical problems that I didn’t experience the first time around. Namely, I’m having some trouble with my heart going out of rhythm. There are certain things that trigger the arrhythmia, namely changing my body position too quickly, or standing for too long.
I was able to pinpoint this problem at Mass. As I sat there one morning in the freezing cold sanctuary, I knelt. Then a sweat slowly started to creep over my body and I got light headed. We moved to standing and I continued to feel dizzy. I thought that God sometimes teaches through suffering, so I would endure. I knelt again and almost hit the floor. Slowly that old worry of what those around me would think if I didn’t stand or kneel at the appropriate times crept back in. But then I stopped and thought, “What would God think?” Two things: I think He used that moment to teach me and help me pinpoint and regulate the heart skips, and I think that God knows my heart, mind and body and what it is and is not capable of doing. As long as I take care of myself and baby and remain present to the Mass, I don’t have anything to fear.
So while I believe that participating fully in the Mass is extremely important, I’ve learned that sometimes I have to let go, let God take control and stop worrying so much about what others may think of me.
Jessica is the Editor in Chief of the Catholic Connection. She and her husband Mark have one little girl, another on the way, two Border Collies, and two cats – read about their exciting adventures and life at Leelafish.com
Thank you for inviting me to guest post Katie! I enjoyed sifting through all the potential “Catholic” topics and weighing in on this one. I hope you and your family are recovering well!
I think this is something a lot of people worry about at church, Catholic or not. I grew up in a Methodist church that I always thought of as so welcoming and open, but one of my friends said she hated coming because she didn’t know all of the rituals and felt embarrassed when everyone around her had all of the songs and prayers memorized. It’s a shame, but you’re exactly right about letting go.