There’s a certain vulnerability to maintaining a personal blog. I’m happy to cover general topics like finances and prayer because they’re just part of life as a grown-up and therefore I think they’re more easily applicable to a given reader. Yet, I find that the most popular posts I publish are the ones in which I bare my soul. Not to say that I’m blogging for the attention, but I think others can relate more deeply to the posts I write when I’m open – making myself vulnerable for the sake of identifying with anyone else who feels the same joy or defeat. Out there for the world to read, my insecure notions and feelings are very real, and often I oscillate over whether to submit them or not. Though I’ve staked my claim on The Catholic Wife as my own soap box and corner of the blogosphere, there remains a slight fear of negative criticism or rejection. Are my posts too much this or that? Do I come off as arrogant or judgmental? Until some trusted soul confronts me with any issue like this, I have to force my hesitations aside and keep writing.
And so, here I will again bare my soul.
Very recently, for about a week and a half, maybe more, I felt emptied. Poured out, bone dry, and incapable of goodness. The kids were sick and very clingy and whiny, I was overly emotional and sensitive, the house was a wreck and I was letting myself feel overwhelmed by feeling overwhelmed. My days were strung together by a series of weepy break-downs. I even told my husband rather flatly when I had exhausted myself, that I felt I had nothing left to give.
{Don’t worry, things get brighter.}
I’m reading a book called The Mother’s Rule of Life; the contents of which are life-changing because they compel me to a Christ-centered, balanced life as a wife and mother. On my very first day of attempting to revolutionize my soul and home, it began as a shining success but quickly crumbled because I was too hard on myself and terribly impatient. At once I felt defeated and helpless. I really want to implement this approach to my vocation because it involves structuring my whole day, week, and month on Christ. It’s ideal! Who doesn’t love ideal? I’m a HUGE fan of structure and organization. I’m drawn to it and I think it’s downright genius to keep life as simple and as neat as possible! My execution, however, is…poor. Like a lit match, I flare with excitement but I tend to go out pretty quickly.
And finally, for what is neither the first nor the last time in my life, I figured out why.
I’ve written before about my inclination toward self-sufficiency. I think it’s important to do for oneself. My confidence and independence soar when I’m not playing Damsel in Distress and I feel better about life. Like any original sinner, though, I tend to take self-sufficiency to an extreme. I rarely ask anyone but Andrew for help and I even tend to cut God out of my efforts in life, too, because I can do it on my own.
Plain and simple, this is a farce. I depend on others and more significantly, I depend on God for everything. Like I said, this isn’t a new lesson for me. God has made this perfectly clear to me over and over; but this time was different. What surprised me the most during my time of desperation, was that while I felt empty, I also felt myself becoming closer to God. I felt that I had nothing left to give, and so I resigned to let God give through me. I felt joy-less and so I begged God that my demeanor would be transparent and that those who encountered me would not see ME, but him. I felt flustered and unorganized in and out, and so I invited God to be my peace. Alone, I can do nothing. God can do everything.
It’s funny how God speaks to us, constantly conveying his love, mercy, and will. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phillippians 4:13). This is one of those verses like John 3:16 or Jeremiah 29:11 that is slapped on every Christian bookmark and bumper sticker out there. To be honest, I don’t usually get too excited over these commonly used verses because they’re just that – commonly used – and for my own reflections, I want something a little less hackneyed. They’re found everywhere, though, because of their simple truth – that God is God and he provides always. Though I don’t usually reflect on the more common verses, God persists in sending them my way to make his point for me to trust him and to let go. I humbly admit that I need to study the more popular Scriptures, or any Scripture for that matter, because discovering a particular verse does not render it obsolete afterward.
{Here comes the best part!}
My favorite part of my desolation was this: there I was, feeling lifeless and tired, void of ability and confidence. And then I learned that I was actually full of life through the existence of our new, unborn baby. (This explains the weepy breakdowns! and the fact that my pancakes tasted weird the other day.) The pregnancy test displayed a clear, bright blue + and right away I thought, Ok Jesus! I can’t do this without you – be my strength and lead me. By the time our sweet baby arrives, we will have 3 Children Under 3 and naturally there’s some nervousness that goes with that idea. How will I possibly handle all of them plus the house plus maintaining a happy marriage??
Then comes the answer, “‘My grace is sufficient in you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'” (2 Cor. 12:9). Truly, I will do what St. Paul says in his letter and continue “boasting of my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Life will not be perfect, I will not be perfect, neither will my husband or children, but the Lord sustains and to maintain faith in him is my greatest delight and highest wisdom.
Jesus I trust in you!
Jesus I trust in you!
Jesus I trust in you!
Baby Sciba #3 – due March 2013!
Katie, I love, love The Catholic Wife. I look forward to reading it each time. And a BIG Congratulations to you, Andrew and the boys. That’s wonderful news.
THANK you, Mrs. Brocato!! I’m honored! and thank you for your congratulations as well – we’re so excited to meet another little one and add him/her to our family. God bless you and your family, too!
{Don’t worry, things get brighter.} ==> Ha, ha, ha! (Or LOL, if you prefer)
I love this post Katie. I can relate to you on so many of these points. I am very self sufficient and tend to think everything is better if I take it on my own. When I finally break down and let go and pray, suddenly things resolve. Thank you for this great post and congrats to your whole family!
Great post Katie. So excited about baby no. 3!!
Amy
Katie, what a great post! Just know that you are an inspiration to all moms who read this. God bless you and your growing little family!
Thank you for revealing the true secret to living the married vocation!
Thank you Katie for sharing. Ive hopeless, bone dried and just “nothing” for months now. I hope to pick up the threads again, you’ve given me hope!
Katie,
Reading your blog was..shocking! I am right were you are, right down to reading The Mother’s Rule and trying to implement it! I have a 2 year old and 4 year old and we are seriously debating having a third. We are tired and our emotions are all over the map. We couldn’t have children for 10 years and now we are trying to live God’s will….but we are weak! It has been an emotional roller coaster with a long “Dark Night of the Soul” for me but I feel like I am coming out of it, a deeper Christian and Catholic. I just keep asking God to make me Holy. I always thought that sounded strange….especially when you read the story of the saints! I also pray to truly embrace my vocation as a wife and mother as this has been hard for me because my biggest sin is resentment.
Congrats on expecting your next child. I will pray that you will & your family will be strengthened and be given wisdom, joy & peace!
My first daughter turned 3 in June, I just had a boy on July 18 and my second daughter turned 1 on July 20th. I’m finding it to be not too much more than a transition….it’ll be a little crazy until we get used to having 3 but it’s really not that different! Good Luck!!
Thank you- I am pregnant with my third as well, and will have three under three as well. I also am currently struggling with raising three teenage and young adult stepsons in a contentious custody battle with an angry ex- wife. I often feel overwhelmed and incapable of handing all that God has entrusted us with as well as the crosses He has permitted in our lives. This baby was a surprise! ( even with what we thought was some pretty accurate charting!) Now, after 4 months of sickness, and in my second trimester feeling a little better, I realize the gift He has given us in this child. Each night when I find myself up with pregnancy insomnia and anxiety, I try to sit before our Divine Mercy image and repeat, “Jesus I trust in you.”. Thanks for reminding me to rely more fully on his Sufficient grace to get me through. I’m right there with you!
Hi, nice blog. Congrats on babies. WE have five kids spaced 3 to 4 years apart. Natural family planning classes helped us space kids and nurse them until 3 then they quit. MY grandma said they would nurses until kindergarden but didnt happen. It help my sanity to nurse whenever possible day or night. Now they are all grown up. The youngest is 8 and they are wonderful. God bless and much peace.
As the happy father of 6 I wish to congratulate you on your fortitude. You will die to yourself every day as a parent and it hurts. That said, the rewards are beyond measure in this world and in the next.
Thank you Adam! We are always open to life and God’s plan for our family, however surprising or unnerving it might be! I can’t wait to meet #3 and to welcome him or her to our domestic church.
I’m learning all the time that in parenting, there’s little to no room for ME. I think that’s good for my soul right now. I need some self-denial.
I felt overwhelmed with one child who was very needy and didn’t sleep much. She is still a handful due to a very high intelligence level. As a baby the problem was that she got extreme colic from my breast milk whenever I ate or drank dairy. I got pregnant again (planned) when my first was six months old. Having two little ones was VERY hard. Then we had a third in less than two years. It was/is hard, but not more than having two. Now baby #4 is on the way. This time around the oldest two know how to go to the bathroom unassisted, and the oldest can take a shower by herself. Being overwhelmed is normal. Some days are just worse than others. To give me a break my husband bathes and puts the kids to bed and I get some quiet time reading or catching up on some of my tv shows or just take a long, warm bath. Other times, he takes over on a Saturday morning to give me time to go for a walk, go to confession and perhaps sit and read the paper at my favorite coffee shop.
Also, we used NFP to space our children. It does work (the Creighton model) but I breastfed mine around the clock and always had a return of cycles by 4 months postpartum. There will be 3 years between our youngest and new baby, just because after having 3 children back to back my body needed time to recover, regain nutrients and just be in a non-pregnant state for awhile.
Hi Katie!
First time I’ve read your blog and I love it! I am the mother of 8. My oldest is 17 and my youngest is 1. I read the Mother’s Rule of Life (after kid #5!) and found it to be very helpful. I’ve tried my best to apply the strategies mentioned in it to my family… I’ve never perfectly succeeded, but I’ve tied to aim for it each day and then accept what is. I’ve accomplished so much more than not aiming for anything or spinning in circles!
For all of you younger moms… God really does know what he is doing …like many of you, I was overwhelmed with many little ones… It is amazing to watch them get older… If I had whole heartedly ” planned” my family, I would be missing out on so much joy today. I am so glad God knew better than me. Anything is possible one day at a time!
One thing about His grace being sufficient….it’s sufficient in the present tense. Living in the future, worrying about how it’s going to be, that’s not where His grace is. It’s in the step right in front of you. I’m older now (52) but I have seven children. But I had them one at a time….one at a time.
“Like any original sinner, though, I tend to take self-sufficiency to an extreme.”
Katie, I soooo could have written that! I identified with you on so many levels in this post. Thank you for baring your soul to your readers – I know it’s a hard thing to do. But that kind of honesty is such a gift to those of us who need to be reminded that none of us can really do it on our own. Brandy (who commented above) shared this post with me, at a time when I too am feeling emptied and rattled. I needed this moment… this sign…this post…to remind me that I am not alone. Thank you for this. 🙂 And a hearty congratulations to you and the family!
Lori, thank you for your kindness. Do you ever find that the feelings of emptiness are embarrassing? Needless to say, it’s not a big conversation piece for me because I tend to keep things like that to myself. I want to look calm and collected on the inside, but if someone were to drop by my house unannounced they might find it (and me) in shambles or flustered.
Great site, Katie. As a mother of 3 boys (#3 just 2 months old), I had one of those exhausting, draining days yesterday and thought, “Wow, am I even a good mom?” and I prayed a lot and He strengthen me overnight – and today, I felt like He breathed wind in my sails. It is amazing, but why should I be amazed? He always says He will be there for us, and He is. Thanks for your wonderful post and great blog. I have just bookmarked it in my favorites.
Thank you! I’m honored that you like my blog so much!
I love what you said a/b not needing to be amazed because God always provides. That is so true – keeping that perspective requires so much faith and trust. Why do I ever doubt?
Euphoric with your insight and honesty but most of all you atr transperent what a scarce virtue today keep in up your annointing in this ministry.martin
Hi Katie! A friend from church forwarded your post and said that you reminded her of me. Gosh, reading your post was like reading my thoughts. I have been peppering this friend, who has eight children, with all sorts of…logistical questions of how it all works with eight. “Do you plan what you do on certain days, such as grocery shopping, errands, etc.”, “Do you meal plan?”, “How do you work out dropping/picking up kids from activities?”, “What was most difficult, going from two to three children, three to four, etc.” I could go on and on. Then she casually mentioned one day that she just gives her days to God and He guides them. “Oh.” I reply and then it hit me, how? How on earth did I forget God? That He is supposed to be integrated into my life, my day to day business. I intellectually know this but have completely forgotten to put it into practice. I have been so focused on raising my two little ones and keeping up with each day that I have become enslaved with the details. So I began to practice ‘giving my day to God’ this past Friday and how liberating and freeing this has been! Why, oh why do I have to make things more difficult for myself? Thank goodness for God’s mercy, guidance and grace that can come through His faithful followers on earth.
By the way I was reading through a few other posts you had written and how interesting that we have so many similarities! My name is Katie as well, my husband’s is Andrew and my confirmation saint was Saint Elizabeth of Hungary:) God bless you for the work you are doing and congratulations on your new baby!!!
Hi Katie! I LOVED your comment – how funny to have so many things in common!! I love situations like that, but more so the people behind them 🙂 I’m also fascinated by big families and how they manage so many little ones while maintaining their sanity and good attention to themselves and their marriages. My sister has 7 sweet children and she’s always been my go-to for “how do you DO that?” questions 🙂
It’s also great to meet another big fan of St. Elisabeth of Hungary – though she’s not my Confirmation saint (mine is St. Thecla), I would say that I first “met” St. Elisabeth in college. My marriage is, by far, the greatest blessing to my soul and she clearly was so devoted to her husband. Have you ever read “Married Saints and Blesseds?” It’s a great collection of saint stories and she and her husband Louis are in it.
Please keep in touch or keep commenting! It’s so nice to to know a kindred spirit 🙂 God bless you!
I found this book about the Mothers Rule of Life BEFORE i found St Faustina and the Divine Mercy. I had to put it down because I had it all backwards and the book seemed to play to my fears of never being good enough and perfectionism, which is a lie. Glad you are finding solace with it, though. God bless you on your new life! 🙂