Ryan was a few years ahead of me at Benedictine and light-years ahead of the rest of us in spirituality. He was young for his class but his mature face gave a real mid-thirties look to him, which I think made us all pay more attention to anything he said. Or maybe it was the fact that he was quiet most of the time, amplifying the occasions when he did speak. Regardless, he was well-respected on campus, known for his content piety and his plans to head straight to the monastery after graduation.
We didn’t have many exchanges in our over-lapping time as Ravens, but once we were two of a small crowd hanging out by the cafe after Sunday brunch. Discussing I don’t remember what, it was one of the few times I heard Ryan open his mouth when he wasn’t in choir singing: “Whenever I’m part of a conversation, I wonder what God wills for me to hear [through others]; so I try to to learn something every time.”
And just like that, I got a sucker-punch to the soul.
Grimacing in quiet humiliation, I knew all too well that I did not share in that nature. I’m the type of person who enters a conversation ready to teach others, to appear confident, give insight, talk about myself; and rarely do I have the humility to try learn something in day-to-day dialogue. It’s ok – I know that it’s flat-out pride. I like to seem like I already have it together, as if there’s nothing new you could throw at me – who doesn’t? {Don’t answer that.} But this pride has gotten in the way of my soul’s development because, truth be told, I’m not a very good listener. Don’t get me wrong, I hear people and pay attention to what they say, but I’m pretty lacking when it comes to mulling over words of wisdom from others for the sake of learning; even learning how to become closer to Christ. Somewhere along the line between introversion and extroversion, I’m tipped over the edge of the latter – which in my case means I’m happy to talk and talk and talk about my life, my experiences, my reflections, my insights, and my adorable kids. While there’s no inherent fault in loquaciousness, there’s something to be said (or not) for a still tongue and an open ear. Here are some practical tips that I’m trying to use to grow in social humility:
photo by Katie Spence
1) Seek advice – even if you suspect you know better than the other person, ask anyway because you can’t anticipate the insight he or she will offer. What do you think? is one of the best questions to ask when growing in humility; it also shows consideration for the thoughts of others over prizing your own.
2) How are YOU doing? Invite others to talk about themselves and show genuine interest in the on-goings of their lives. How are the kids? How is your day going? How’s your sick grandmother? Inquiring about someone’s life is affirming and a great way to reach out.
3) Keep your opining private unless asked. Oh, this is a TOUGH one. A very tough one, and of course there may be exceptions; but in discernments of red or blue paint, small or medium chocolate shakes, or other matters that are generally inconsequential to life and the soul, let someone ask you before volunteering your oscillations. Keeping your thoughts to yourself makes them more valuable than a dime-a-dozen if you were to spout opinions frequently. Should a more serious situation arise, then make a humble approach, asking if you could share your thoughts. If your input isn’t sought, then accept and move on.
4) Go to confession and pray daily – Nothing helps you grow in humility like receiving the Sacraments, especially Reconciliation. Shake off the pride, gain some absolution, and add requests for humility to your penance. Maintaining humility is a great way to imitate Christ, but how can you imitate someone if you’re not close to him? That’s where prayer steps in. A priest I know recommends reflecting on the Gospel of John – a chapter a day.
And lastly, though the original intent was not toward this particular effect, Words of Wisdom Wednesday has helped me A LOT because it gives me a chance to absorb insights from others and, in turn, spotlight them for everyone else to see. Social humility calls for thinking of others first out of charitable and Christian regard for their innate dignity. Since hearing Ryan’s wisdom so many years ago, I’ve been workin’ on it and like any other virtue, I think I’ll keep workin’ on it until I die – yet another truth to reveal that I’ll always be a work in progress. Thank God! because the more work there is to be done, the more I need and ask for his grace to do it.
Wow! This was a very humbling, interesting read. Lots to think about. Lots to work on and especially with Lent right around the corner…how timely. Thanks, Katie, for a wonderful eye-opening read.
I was struck by Fr. Dubay at a lecture once. Someone asked him a question about himself. He responded that he really didn’t like to talk about himself. I thought to myself that that did NOT describe me! Since then I have made a little game in conversation of trying to keep the focus on the other person and on myself as little as possible. With some dear people this is quite easy to do! God bless you!
YES! What a great idea to make it into a game for yourself. Thanks for the tip!
For many years I had a resentment against Fr. Dubay because, well, virtuous people can engender discomfort in less virtuous people (including the imperfection of self-centeredness, which applied here). As a kid of 10, 11, precocious as I was, I would watch him on EWTN and he bugged the heck out of me; or rather, I put him on a pedestal that he and his instructions seemed worthy to occupy. Yeah–better to resent him than try to implement anything he said: that’s the ticket! Judging by the above use of the first person singular personal pronoun, little progress has been made. And Facebook is virtual gasoline for the smoldering embers of self, let me tell you. As good a tool as the user, anyhow. I pray that God can use me as I am, yet mold me into someone better with the drops, perhaps fumes, of cooperation I emit.
Anyhow, this is a very fine blog, replete with refreshing honesty. Prayers for its fidelity and success!
Thanks for this! I have this same problem, and your tips are very helpful. God bless!
This is definitely something I need to work on I am very grateful I read this .
IMPORTANT
I tried to access this from my computer but my antivirus prevented me with a warning that your site is infected with Malware. You may want to investigate this because it is probably preventing traffic from entering your site. I am posting from my I phone grateful that four hours later I remained curious about this post ( followed it from New Advent) to attempt accessing it from my phone . It was something I needed to read.
Oh yikes! I’ll check that out, Theresa! Thank you for letting me know AND thanks for keeping up your interest 🙂
This is exactly what I needed to hear. (And… interestingly enough, if you had said it to me in person I might not have heard it because I would have been too busy thinking of what I was going to say. I guess I need to work on that.)