Home after my wonderful Bible Study, I usually feel exhilarated with joyful enthusiasm for whatever Christian concept we discussed whether it be love, humility, or generosity; but something’s “off” this time. I confess that while I feel enthusiasm, I think I’d call it more unsettled – maybe even puzzled – than joyful. Tonight we discussed forgiveness.
To be honest, I think I’d rather not mull over the idea of forgiveness because I don’t want to recall the times I’ve been hurt or hurt others. It’s really not an easy thing to do or reflect on because in doing so, I find that I need it so much more than what I realized. After digesting our Bible Study discussion, I find only further proof that forgiveness is hard.
Hard, but not impossible.
Forgiveness is a sure sign of love and one of the most obvious and defining marks of Christianity. Among our study, a few of us gave a good shot at defining it: the ability to disregard a person’s past behavior in light of both present and future circumstances; another lady mentioned that she knew she had forgiven someone when she felt she could truly desire goodness for him/her. 2 Timothy 4:16 suggests that to forgive is to love and to will the other person’s good in all circumstances.
No matter how you put it, forgiveness in friendships, among family members, and especially between spouses is necessary for any healing to take place – within yourself, the other person, and most especially between the two of you. You have to have it in order for relationships to be sustained and according to Christ Himself, there is never an appropriate occasion to withhold forgiveness. In Matthew 5:44, Christ compels us to “pray for those who persecute you,” and what occurred to me today, after reading and hearing that verse thousands of times, was that those who persecute are not necessarily of some distant connection like an acquaintance who rubs you the wrong way, but are often people very close like a spouse or family member. Regardless, prayer for my own persecutors helps me to regard them as Christ does, with love and compassion instead of bitterness and anger.
The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt
The most challenging aspect of forgiveness for my own soul is when I’ve been hurt by somebody else and they offer no apology either out of ignorance as to what they have done or out of stubborn refusal to do so because they’re certain of their own righteousness. I guess that’s when the whole “70 times 7” idea comes in 🙂 Forgiveness for the same person who repeatedly commits the same offense should be unlimited; forgiveness for anyone should be unlimited. And the thing is that, even if a person is ignorant of their wrongdoing, my own lack of forgiveness combined with the refusal to let it go imprisons heart and builds a barrier, not just between the other person and me, but between God and me as well. My downfall is allowing myself to painfully recall wounds from the past and thereby brood over the injury that occurred; but I wonder how many times in a day I offend God and yet He does not hold a grudge – so neither should I. Even beyond that, forgiving someone who doesn’t know they hurt you is yet another way to totally trust God – He heals all wounds and when I submit my sense of control and bitterness to Him, He handles it. “Do not say, ‘I will repay evil’; wait for the Lord and he will help you” (Proverbs 20:22).
In reading Scripture and thoughts from the saints and the Catechism, I have to say this: it is humble to apologize and it is humble to forgive. Forgiveness can fortify a bond drawing two people closer to each other as well as to Christ and I can happily attest to this truth. Though forgiving another can seem like an insurmountable challenge depending on the offense, the joy and sense of release that follow for both parties is thrillingly liberating. At long last, peace can reign in your soul and it will certainly make obvious changes to your own countenance and perspective. Withholding forgiveness, however, only poisons your soul and cultivates resentment. I heard a priest say a long time ago that maintaining resentment is like taking a drop of poison every day and hoping it kills the other person.
After all this, I’m not suggesting that a person can “forgive and forget” with ease, or even at all. Though I’ve forgiven offenses in the past, that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten them. Some wounds cut pretty deeply. While it’s possible for me to hope for the good of the other person and to carry on in our own relationship, there may be circumstances that made such an impression on me that I can’t simply blot them from my memory. In this case, I know I need frequent prayer and consequential healing. One lady in our Bible Study suggested fasting for those whose injuries are still painful to us, or praying a Rosary for their intentions. It may be important to not forget the transgression(s) of another in some circumstances because, though I forgive what happened, I should keep it in mind so as to save myself from future heartache; you know, the whole “fool me twice” idea.
Keeping an offense in mind doesn’t necessitate holding a grudge, however. The Catechism offers this as hope and consolation, “It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purified the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession” (CCC 2843). Forgiveness and love come from God – how can I possibly achieve either without Him? The need for both of these virtues further compels me to frequent the Sacraments – especially the Eucharist and Reconciliation, which are living examples of Christ’s love and forgiveness. Without the grace of the Sacraments and the presence of God in my own life, I can’t begin to hope to succeed!
Thank you for sharing your insights as we work out our salvation with fear and trembling. I really connected to your thought regarding the humility it takes within to ask for forgiveness, but the equally as difficult, to give forgiveness. FOR GIVING.. giving the gift of unconditional love each moment. Easy to type, difficult to live except by the grace of God. If I see my faults worse than my brothers and sisters, than it is easy to forgive. I believe G.K. Chesterton says it best… “The man who is knocking on the door of a brothel is much closer to the heart of God than the man who is sitting in the pew, thanking God he is not like him”.
Did you watch “Half the Sky” on PBS? Chesterson’s quote is out of date – & needs repudiation. We need to keep women’s reality in perspective. We need Divine Wisdom, Sofia, to forgive our way into relatio — participation in the world here & the world to come.
I disagree slightly with one thing you said. You said, “…forgiveness is hard. Hard, but not impossible.” I am certain that without grace, forgiveness IS impossible. Grace, I am certain, is the key. I believe the more you stand in Christ, the more you practice the virtues and leave off the vices, the more grace you have, the easier it is to forgive even outrageous offenses. The ease with which you forgive is a measure of your Christianity. This is the lesson we learn so often from the saints. Forgiveness of outrageous offense is often their most notable characteristic. When it comes to sins against you, grace acts like a high-powered grease cutter, allowing you to wipe away your hurts and think of the other person as good, or potentially good (as might be the case of a hardened criminal). It allows you to see them in a whole new light. It allows you to love them. What Oprah and Dr. Phil have been selling as forgiveness is secular and without grace. It is selfish. It does not heal. But receiving God’s grace, living in grace, makes it possible to have a forgiving heart. If you are having trouble forgiving someone from your heart, you need to get more grace. You get more grace by 1) the Eucharist, 2) the sacrament of reconciliation, 3) prayers, and 4) asking God for the specific grace, 5) humility. You need the power from God to change your heart from hardened to forgiving.
Thank you for this post. It really serves to clarify what Catholics are to practice regarding forgiveness.
I love that you left this comment JUST as I was adding a bit about the grace of the Sacraments at the end. Thank you thank you for your insights and kind words.
Somehow I knew your post would be about forgiveness. Definitely a hard thing to do but so important at the same time.
One thing I have a problem with — when you have been horribly hurt and are still trying to recover, to be beseiged by others urging you to “forgive, forgive” the unrepentant one who has damaged you, without acknowledging the hurt and pain you are still reeling from. I’ve often told them what they wanted to hear just to get them off my back. But I have nothing for contempt for those who urge forgiveness, pretending that no injury was done . Actually, I think nobody but God has the right to “urge” a wounded and wronged person to forgive an injustice when the perpetrator has shown no remorse.
Experience shows that forgiveness is often not a one-time event, but rather a life-long process.
I also think it is “cheap grace” for prelates or political leaders to “apologise” and ask forgiveness for historical crimes (such as slavery) which they did not participate in– they actually have no honest authority to do so even though they may sincerely regret historical wrongs and it is not inappropriate to acknowldge the injustice. This sort of “apology” strikes me as pious posturing which costs them nothing emotionally, but gives them brownie points with the politically correct crowd.
How do you forgive when you’ve been slandered and the consequences of the damage to your reputation still persist, i.e. people continue to shun you or disparage you?
Dear Rose, I’m sure the grave pain of such an injury would be terribly burdensome; the only advice I can offer regarding that situation humbly accepting. Ultimately, what others think of us is insignificant if we’re working to please the Lord alone. If people shun/disparage you b/c of an injury, then truly it’s their loss b/c they have chosen to do so out of ignorance and quickness to believe something I assume isn’t true.
Dear Katie, In all of this painful experience I have been loved by dear friends but you are the first and only person who has validated my pain and I am deeply grateful.
Oh my goodness – you’re welcome! May God heal your heart and bring you peace!
Rose, Please try to unite yourself with Jesus. Recall he did not utter a word though everything they said was untrue. Imagine they Jews chose Barabbas over Jesus! Imagine how he felt! I have a friend who was also slandered and just kept the faith that the truth would come out. It has slowly but surely. They see the other person getting caght up in a web of lies. KEEP THE FAITH!
I think the hardest thing about forgiveness is when you forgive someone for hurting you, but they still don’t even realize that they hurt you in the first place. Does that qualify as forgiveness? Does it make you feel better? You can say that you forgive someone, but if they don’t see any hurt in their actions, does the hurt still stay with you? I know that Sunday’s session must have been very interesting.
Oh man – I know exactly what you mean. Forgiveness is an act of the will and it’s independent of the other person’s behavior/knowledge before or after the injury occurred. We talked a/b feeling better a/b forgiveness in Sunday’s session and so many mentioned that you can forgive someone, but sometimes it takes emotions a long time to follow.
The whole idea of a person’s ignorance of injury is such a difficult one; my question is always, do I stay silent or should I charitably bring this up to help them become aware of their hurtful actions? This has and probably will remain a big question for me.
Ignorance of an injury…. how does that work out? do speak or not to speak….It is a difficult to say the least. I believe timing to speak or not to speak is the answer. I know far too well the pain of living with a situation of another person (identical twin) being seemingly clueless of her actions towards me.over the years. We make the wrong assumption that the one who has injured us, knowingly or unknowingly, is well enough to receive our words to help them come out of their denial.. Is my need to speak the hurt and injury going to help her? She knows the injuries she has caused , but the need to be right is far greater than the need to be loving and humble.My sister recently sent me forgiveness prayer cards from her church, assuming that my silence and healthy boundary setting was about unforgiveness. I was surprised and taken aback. I sent the cards back to her and said, I forgive you from my heart and it is not about not giving you forgiveness in the least! I need boundaries and
distance and not triteness. She didn’t get it but is respecting my boundary. (When one has been deeply injured, being around the other who has caused injury without knowing the depth can be like an experience of post traumatic stress..) Boundaries are necessary always when working thru forgiveness and deeper healing.
I would never allow a man or woman into my home that stole from me and repeatedly steals! My sister may be incapable of ever seeing her side of the fence, just as a cancer patient may never know how sick he is other than by the symptoms, that he may still ignore and deny! I know our Lord wants us to be compassionate towards others who have wronged us, wounded us, slandered us. As Jesus says, Father Forgive
Them they do not know what they do.. Right actions towards others who have wounded and abused us, will produce right feelings as we use all the
tools available to us as Catholics… holy hours, offering up Masses for those who have wounded us, faithfully praying….and waiting on God to heal the
wounds within regardless if the other ever knows the depth of the pain and betrayal anyway. Jesus says we must remove the log from our own eyes so
we can take the spec out of our brothers…
recovery.) Blessings upon your day… !