Finances & Marriage: Don’t Do It Like I Did

Before we tied the knot, Andrew and I were advised that though both spouses should be privy to their joint financial status, one spouse should be the designated money manager.

I was the first to call “NOT IT!” I didn’t know anything about money, how to manage it, how to work with a bank, setting goals, saving, budgeting, etc. etc. etc. The whole world of Domestic Finance was totally lost on me and I didn’t want any part of it. The darkness of ignorance was a blissfully warm blanket and if Andrew wanted to keep track of things, then that would be fine. Just tell me when to stop spending and I’ll stop.

Of course, my husband-to-be turned to me and said, “I think you should be the one to handle the finances.” UGH – great.

It was up for discussion, but we agreed that I would do it. I learned a thing or two about cash flow, management, and the like thanks to Dave Ramsey; but I confess that my diligence waxes and wanes. The months when I see that our checking is a few dollars above the anxiety level, I’m less inclined to create a formal budget [Mistake #1: I don’t recommend this; it’s not wise], but it’s the OH NO Months that I have our budget arranged down to the last penny. Though I’ve always glanced at our money somewhat habitually, letting out a few sighs here and there, it wasn’t until the other day that I saw we’re in an OH NO month. I scrambled to start an account on Mint.com (a gem of a budgeting site) and for the first time in a long time, got a clear and comprehensive shot of where we stand. A couple debts, a modest income, and a big November budget staring me straight in the panic-stricken face.

photo by FindYourSearch

Along with rarely budgeting, [Mistake #2] I also don’t recommend avoiding financial conversations with your spouse. This cultivates banking blindness and with both of you spending in this spirit of ignorance, it just leads to more OH NO Months. Take me for example 🙂 It’s been forever since we’ve sat down to number crunch and review goals and naturally so – with me shirking my duties as manager, what could there possibly be to review? And since we weren’t having conversations, [Mistake #3] I felt free to take little liberties and develop undesirable habits – small, spontaneous purchases here and there; taking on projects without consulting my husband or checking account. And how was Andrew’s spending all that time? I have no idea since we never talked about it and [Mistake #4] never held each other accountable.

It was with plenty of hesitation and two ounces of shame that I approached Andrew and told him we needed to hold a Sciba Financial Conference. To be honest, I was a complete chicken about it. I didn’t want to talk finances because if Andrew looked at our checking, then he’d see my bad habits tracked and he’d see the OH NO amount. But it wasn’t doing us any good keeping ourselves in the dark, so we talked…and talked. And talked some more. I’ve re-learned that money is an amoral thing – it can be used well or poorly and it’s up to Andrew and me to tell it where to go and what to do. Giving every nickel and dime a purpose and destination ensures that discipline rules the day and there is no chance of bewildered head-shaking wondering where the last paycheck went. We both got on Mint and looked at everything, discussed a plan, budgeted for this month’s expenses, and agreed to a temporary spending freeze.

And you know what? I really feel a burden lifted. A burden I didn’t even know was there. This spontaneous-spending, non-tracking, non-conversational approach to money was causing me anxiety and it built a barrier between Andrew and me that I didn’t know was there until it was gone. Finally communicating restored our sense of teamwork, especially because we have common goals and common understanding of exactly what’s going on with our income. The whole conversation was so dreaded beforehand, but it’s not like I married a tyrant – I don’t know WHY I was so nervous to prompt our discussion.

The rest of the day, even the rest of the weekend, was a reflection of our renewed financial freedom. We were happier and in much better moods simply because everything is out in the open and we can’t claim negligent ignorance anymore. We’re not debt free yet (but we will be soon if we stick to our guns), but our renewed knowledge to the reality of our situation has set us free to be masters of our money, not mastered by it. Most importantly, in recognizing the necessary caution we need to exercise with our finances, we’re striving to be better stewards of the gifts God has given us.