Blowing Off Steam & Learning True Devotion

photo by philbailey photography

I’ll be honest, I’m a little frustrated with God these days. There are parts of His plan that I just don’t GET and though I know that He allows all things for a greater good, I’m struggling to see the potential benefit to the present suffering of others. (I also know that God need not consult my generous opining in His plans and that I don’t need to see how things will turn out this very minute) Additionally, it’s been a challenge to feel hopeful about His will when, at present, it seems so gloomy. Sometimes I want to shout to the open sky, “What are you THINKING?? Can’t You change Your mind?!” It doesn’t make much sense to me to be angry or frustrated with God because of His omniscience and love; but here I am. By the way, the fact that I feel something that doesn’t make intellectual sense to me, I’m sure adds to my unsettled feeling.

Thank God for my marriage because through it, I have learned so much about my relationship with Him. The following can apply to any relationship with genuine charity at its foundation:

In 4+ years of wedded bliss, there have been a number of occasions when I have felt distant from Andrew, that we weren’t communicating clearly, when I thought he was avoiding me or when I’ve been frustrated with him. In these times, one in particular, I felt so tempted to stomp off in a huff of defensive emotion and throw a pity party. Well shoot – if he’s not paying attention to me, then I’m certainly not going to pay attention to him! If he’s not being sweet and affectionate, why should I be? Short fuse? Two can play that game.

Not too long ago, however, I recalled our wedding vows: “…I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” Devotion – on my wedding day, I promised devotion to Andrew for the rest of my life and though we don’t by any means face a huge conflict between us right now, I have to practice devotion in all circumstances, good times and bad. On one occasion of stifled bitterness, I huffed my way to our room while my beloved sat in the living room working. It’s natural to want to have space from someone who’s frustrating you; but I was distancing myself out of pride. Recalling devotion, I stopped, turned on my heel and marched right back down the hallway, over to the couch, and grabbed his hand to hold it while he worked on his computer. This was in spite of my emotions and truthfully, I knew he was unaware of my frustration. After that I made a point to go the extra mile for him, though I felt the least inclination to do so. I reminded myself that I love him because of who he is, not because of how he makes me feel and that it’s during rough patches that I need to step up my devotion to my husband rather than let it blow away in a fury.

This came to mind last night as I considered my prayer life. For the most part lately, it’s been pretty good; but since my frustration with God has welled, I’ve neglected it. As I said before, it’s natural to want to have space from Someone who’s frustrating you, even if maintaining that space isn’t such a good idea. Truth be told, I don’t feel like speaking with God or listening to Him because, in my pride, I disagree with His approach to a few things right now. {ENTER DEVOTION.} BUT…I love God for Who He is, not for how He makes me feel. I don’t want to pray, but I will out of obedience, devotion, and blind trust in His plan. Doing so with these as my motivations will no doubt provide consolation to me over time and heal my wounded pride. Mid-storm is not the time to abandon ship, and though I can wish for a million other situations for those who are suffering, I have to joyfully accept that God allows pain for a greater good. He has the complete picture, both in His vision and His hands.