I know I’m not the first to speak up, but right there in the middle of my struggles, I thought I was both alone and legitimately crazy.
I have anxiety.
Not the general kind when I worry sometimes, but the paralyzing, *every mole hill is a mountain* kind with racing thoughts, increased heart rate, tears, and total cessation of rational thinking that come in the form of really bad attacks.
And I have some depression peppered in too, as long as I’m laying it out. Actually my doctor said I have a perfect balance of both. I mean, I strive for perfection so that’s cool.
And you know what? I’m in great company.
I recently bared my soul to a group of friends online. “I’m struggling,” I told them, “the things that used to make me happy seem insurmountable…I don’t know how I’m going to maintain my blog or do a radio show. I’m barely functioning.”
It was a matter of minutes before my inbox was full of messages from women in the same sinking boat.
Mamas writing, “I’ve never told anyone this but…” followed by story after story of their own struggles with anxiety and/or depression. Eye-widening, personal, pained stories released from these friends just because one woman openly confessed difficulty.
“I was on medication for ages.”
“I totally lost it…”
“I saw a counselor. I needed my counselor.”
“I’m still not recovered.”
“I’ve never told anyone this, but…”
And those were just the messages online; I heard even more accounts from other friends as I told a few here and there.
The point is I’m not flying solo and I’m tired of not talking about it because if any struggle is real, it’s this one. There are dimensions of anxiety/depression (I pair them since they’re my faithful companions) that we’re afraid of, and there are antidotes. They may not dissolve our problems entirely, but they might calm the waves while we ride out the storm.
Anxiety/Depression are isolating…
We closet our issues because we feel shame. I kept it in because I was embarrassed. What am I supposed to say? “I freak out and cry sometimes.” Why? “I don’t know, but I can’t stop.” We want to look like we’ve got our stuff together and life is smooth sailing, right? But how many of us are struggling to keep our heads above water behind closed doors? and not saying a thing?
It’s also a little terrifying to admit the challenge because we don’t know how people will respond. I don’t want pity (I don’t think); I don’t want deer-in-the-headlights faces from people who suddenly don’t know how to handle me because I might burst into tears. So silence it is. But while keeping quiet carries the illusion of safety, I’ve learned the power of letting it out.
…but they could be unifying.
After individually telling a friend or two in person, a few chimed in with their own stories. I had NO idea any of them had experienced anxiety or depression. “I didn’t want anyone to know – friends or family,” one told me. Ohhh but you know what? Even though hearing other depression stories didn’t make mine vanish, I was strengthened. I felt validated. And that validation gave me a teensy bit of courage to face the rest of the day. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t alone. Learning that any friend – on or offline – had the same struggles made us closer in our weaknesses.
The Lord uses us as channels of mercy and consolation for each other. We don’t have to shout our hardship from the rooftops if we don’t want to, but entrusting a few souls with this sensitive, precious information will give us an opportunity to be vulnerable like Christ, and give them the chance to love like Christ. Win win.
Anxiety/Depression are overwhelming
We glorify a packed calendar and praise mamas who do it all. Though it is a blessing to know our missions in life, we put too much pressure on ourselves to deal with everything and anything, keeping our plates full even when something like anxiety/depression come knocking. I have a lot going on right now with my own work, homeschooling, and just day in/day out stuff. Beyond immediate tasks, I’ve already mentioned that Andrew and I are doing a complete and total marriage overhaul and we have some major work to do.
…but they’re a reason to pull back, even for just a while.
So I stopped. Everything. The air date for Brave by Grace Radio Show with Katie Sciba is TBD so I felt free to prerecord interviews further apart. I wrote on my Facebook page that I wasn’t going to write for a while. I stopped cooking and stocked up on frozen pizzas. I stopped homeschooling and let my sons impress people with their PBS Kids education. Logged off Facebook. Barely checked texts.
Fragile and frail, I stopped everything nearly certain I’d never begin again.
And I breathed and prayed. I’m not totally fine, but I’m not where I was. I have to remind myself to keep my to-dos limited while the Lord affords improvement; otherwise I’ll overdo it and go right back where I came from without giving due course to time and healing.
It’s ok if we’re not all better tomorrow or even next month, but in stepping back and clearing life, we’ll be better than we were yesterday. Right now I have peace in slowly approaching obligations like my baby learning how to walk. Tiny, uncertain steps are still steps.
Anxiety/Depression is scary
I was previously handling my life out of fear. I felt pressure to write for fear of letting myself or readers down. I skirted the topic of homeschooling, afraid my husband would be disappointed in me for not showing the day’s work. I made excuses for the unfortunate dinners I made. The fears came from anxiety and fueled my anxiety.
I really lost it Easter Sunday. With my issues increasing steadily over weeks, I had a complete meltdown after Andrew suggested we start getting ready for Mass. I tried to push through my tears, but I lost my breath and hit the floor sobbing. I was out of commission for a couple of days.
That was the worst of it – thanks be to God, but this one event combined with a stack of lesser episodes made me realize this was out of control.
And that scared me.
…but perfect love casts out all fear.
In the midst of writing this very post, a friend sent me this line from St. Faustina (fave):
O Jesus, today my soul is as though darkened by suffering. Not a single ray of light. The storm is raging and Jesus is asleep. O my Master, I will not wake You…I believe that You fortify me without my knowing it.”
Oh Divine Providence – you and your timing!!
When we’re in the fog of anxiety/depression, it’s hard to see anything clearly, especially God’s hand at work. He sustains. He provides. In the few moments of clarity, looking back at “what God’s hand has wrought” (Psalm 143) has given me at least the knowledge that this too will pass, even if I don’t have it in me to brave the rest of the day.
And in my baby steps to sanity, I’m focusing on why I started anything in the first place and the answer is love. I’ve delighted in writing and simultaneously loved the Catholic faith since I was very little. I see the good of homeschooling and want it for our family. Love is the ultimate motivation that pierces through fog and discouragement to restore our hope.
With as much or as little faith as we can muster, we can take our hopelessness to Jesus. I saw no way out of my darkness, but he restores my soul and is loving me out of this slowly and carefully.
Anxiety and depression don’t have to be as taboo as they are. Whenever I’ve feared judgment, I’ve been met with compassion. I thought I was alone, but I was caught off guard by ready solidarity. Sure that everything I had going was shot, I’m seeing it all with restored vision and hope in Christ.
As many the causes are for these crosses, there are aids. Medication, counseling, withdrawing from life’s demands, whatever avenue you walk for relief, couple it with prayer and dare to make yourself vulnerable to at least one trusted person. Take it to Jesus and show him the pain. Talk to a friend and know for certain you are not alone.
Say to those who are of a fearful heart,
‘Be strong, fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you'” (Is. 35:4).
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I totally and completely get this…all of it. On the other side, I see the fruit borne in that period of INTENSE struggle…but the thought of ever going back to that place scares the life out of me…even for more fruit.
Thank you, Jenny for adding that insight. I know the struggle will be fruitful, but needed the reminder. The fruit from this I think will satisfy for a lifetime if I have my way. 😉
Katie, you are helping so many loves by writing this to let them know they are not alone and God is with you through it, whether you can feel Him or not. God bless you.
Thank you, Lis 🙂 You are such a wonderful support!!
I also completely get this post. I think I am somewhere in between … but I am still not fully managing the most basic of tasks, yet the pressure to do more is unreal. Right now I need courage and balance. This post has been a huge source of consolation … Thank you! God bless!
Thank you, Sarah! I find so much peace knowing others are enduring the same difficulties. And I TOTALLY understand “the pressure to do more”! Crazy, right? Why can’t we all calm down? Oy…
Thank you for your comment. I’m praying for you!
This is such a wonderful, life-giving post. What a miracle that you have found such a voice in this long, hard season. Love and hugs from a friend who loves you!!;)
You are just the best, Erin 🙂 Cheers to 6 years of blogging and REAL LIFE friendship 🙂
You are not alone, for sure.
I have PTSD from decades of abuse, and Anxiety as well.
My mind doesn’t always process things like everyone else and I feel abnormal… and I put people off sometimes, then I feel “not good enough”. Cycle of doom. HA. Anyway… It used to bother me to read posts about things like this because… to be honest, I was jealous that I could not articulate it as well. Sigh. In the end, I’m so grateful to read posts about other women who feel so many of the same things I do. It’s way less isolating and lonely.
God has blessed us with the Internet. Thanks for using this tool so wisely.
Blessings,
Emily
Ahhh yes “Cycle of Doom” indeed. I totally get it. AND I get the whole idea of being jealous like that; but I’m realizing more and more all the time that it’s just the devil messing with me and trying to stop me from loving real beauty and truth.
God bless you, Emily 🙂
Katie, I so admire your courage.
I went through a very deep depression when I was 21. There was no reason for the onset of the depression. I had everything going for me. It just hit me overnight. I did not want to go to work, I did not sleep for many many nights straight. I lost 20+ pounds. I was not interested in anything in life. Friends were not of any interest to me. The only thing I wanted to do was go to church but that was not helping my deep depression and constant fog but I continued because much like you, I love my Catholic faith. I eventually came out of my darkness. It took a good 6-9 months. Looking back, I will always be grateful for that time. Crazy, I know. It was a life lesson for me. It was a life changing event that is hard to put into words. I know now how to handle it and I have to give credit to my love for Jesus and my Catholic faith. He had a plan. He taught me a bit of wisdom by allowing me to go through this very very dark time in my life.
I will never forget it and I never want to go through it again.
I know exactly what you are going through but its not anything that prayer and faith in our Lord can not handle. Perhaps like me, there is a good reason that you may be going through this. Put it in Gods hands.
He’s amazing.
Thank you so so much for your encouragement, Ms. Brandy. I’m so glad you mentioned how long your depression lasted; I’m so impatient for my own to be lifted that it’s frustrating when it lingers or comes on a little stronger.
“I will never forget it and I never want to go through it again.” Beautiful, strong words.
Please keep me in your prayers! I can’t tell you how much support I’ve drawn from your comments on my blog in general and steady support since I started this years ago. You are a blessing!
Whew! The blessing that came out of a period of terrible anxiety for me was the same blessing that can come out of any intense suffering – the beginning of freedom from fear. Realizing that fear is a lie – that fear is the *first* and the *only* lie. It’s tough (and probably perpetually ongoing) work to essentially remake one’s own brain and thought-processes to respect that truth, but it’s worth it. I would never will that journey on myself or anyone else, but it has certainly been worthwhile. 🙂
The freedom from fear!! YES! I’ve been afflicted with this anxiety/depression and so so afraid to tell anyone. It seems to carry so much shame with it, but as soon as I opened my mouth and heard so many similar stories shared with me, it’s like the fear was sucked right out of it. It’s not fun and it’s not gone, but I’m not afraid. By the grace of God.
Katie, I struggle with anxiety so bad that it makes me dizzy! I have so many physical symptoms that make my daily life impossible that sometimes I just want to scream! But with God’s grace I go on. When I am losing it in the store or on the parking lot or in the car I just pray…
with anxiety comes depression. I stopped talking about it to my husband because it is so hard on him too. Our oldest daughter is struggling with severe depression to a point on considering suicide!!! I don’t know why…I have no answers . I know that I want to get going I want to feel better I want my family to function happily…So often I just pretend, but deep inside I feel like I am living in different world…It is hard but I CAN’T give up. That is not an option! I am not on medications either. I tried, but they made me sicker. I would love to rely just on Jesus and my faith, but for some reason I feel like I hit the wall. The yearning for deep, emotional faith and experience is there but my thoughts are not.
Sometimes I feel like I hear the voice inside me “be patient”, so I am trying.
I doubt myself often… what did I do, what bad choices did I make that my inner life is such a struggle? I went to the confession and cleanse myself from all the wrong doings, or rather was given forgiveness. But then again I have doubts that I did not do it well…maybe that is what separates me from the great relationship with God? The priest assures me that that is not the case…
Dearest Kinga, you whole family is in my prayers. What a challenge to have anxiety yourself and then have a daughter who’s hurting, too. I will pray that you and your husband will be able to talk about it openly. I learned recently that according to Sacred Tradition, every marriage has a guardian angel. I’ll pray to the guardian angel of your marriage that you experience relief and peace.
I too know all too well about this struggle. I suffered from debilitating panic attacks and severe anxiety. I could not sit through mass, but never quit going. I couldn’t stand in line for communion. That was the most painful for me. I couldn’t be the mother or wife or daughter, sister, friend that I wanted to be. I prayed for healing and finally just prayed God’s will be done. I question my faith only to figure out it was trust I was lacking. I prayed Jesus please help me to trust in you. By the grace of God I finally fell in the hands of the right doctor and the right medication. I try to take it day by day now. I never take for granted the simplest of things like driving to pick my kids up from school. My heart goes out to anyone that struggles with this.
“I could not sit through Mass, but never quit going…” BEAUTIFUL, Cristina. Active faithfulness is such a soul-saver for me. What a relief it must have been to find such a good doctor and medication that works so well for you. I’m so glad!
And I love your thoughts about never taking simple tasks for granted. It’s amazing how much more alive I feel after a spell when I’m just putting a meal together.
Yes! Just yes. (Plate too full to write more! Wink wink)
Haha enough said, Courtney! Thanks for “getting it.” 😉
God bless you, Katie! You are never alone. ❤️
Thank you, Heather!!
So, pretty much recovering from an anxiety attack right now and your post made it pretty obvious that I need to step back a bit to recover. I can’t this week. I have to push through big event. But I can say no to trying to do more than that and put a plan in place for afterwards. Thank you for helping me see that we have to give ourselves permission to heal.
Ahhh isn’t it so hard to push through?! I’m praying for you right now that you can make it through your event and experience relief on the other side. Rest is coming.
So much of my forced calm comes from knowing Jesus doesn’t desire this for me. He wants me to bring it on over so he can have it himself and release me from it.
I agree with your point about needing permission from ourselves – how much of us are tied up in obligation that is more binding on our end than anyone else’s? Silly.
It’s an honor to have your words here, Colleen! Thank you 🙂
Beautifully written. Thank you for being open about this. As moms we pack on so much and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. I share your tears Katie – but won’t go into too much detail here. 🙂 Thank you for sharing.
We DO pack on so much! No wonder we all freak out and take pills so we won’t freak out anymore. Crazy. And we pack so much on our kids, too! (another post probably)
And it’s so wonderful to know the burden is shared. Thank you for your words, Susanna 🙂
I’ve had anxiety along with some depression for years. Your article is very honest and beautifully written. The timing was perfect for this. In the last year I lost one of my closest friends due to an early unexpected death, someone close to me attempted suicide and my job has become overwhelming and crazy. This past month we had to place our dad in a memory care facility and this week my mom had a stroke.
Add to that a dysfunctional family which can bring out the worst in people. It’d be easy to stop going to mass, to stop praying, to stop doing spiritual reading. I don’t have it in me….yet I do try to continue these things in at least some small way. I have anxiety and fear that if I stop doing those things I’ll never be able to return to the life I once knew. I know I have to have total dependence on Jesus or I won’t make it through this difficult time. He has always been there with me.
Janet I’m so grateful for your comment; you’ve had so many major stressors in your life lately, but you’re so spot on and wise to cling to your faith. Seriously – for me in the past, even when I felt nothing in Mass or in prayer and I was bogged down by sadness, continuing to act as a faithful Catholic totally saved me. Jesus sustains even when we don’t feel him.
I’m so glad you commented, Janet. Thank you. Prayers for you, girl. Take care of yourself.
I’ve been experiencing depression for last few months which is so crazy because I went through breast cancer treatment a little over a year ago and didn’t have any issues with depression. I’ve totally isolated myself from my family because I don’t want to say or do anything mean to them. I go to work and do the basic things I need to do for myself and the home, but beyond that I just go to the bedroom. It’s getting better so I’m hoping that I’m moving out of the worst of it. I hope that you are doing better! There have been a lot of great comments on your sites that have helped me.
Rochelle I’m sorry about your depression, too. How challenging. I totally understand that tendency to pull back from family because I know I’ve withdrawn when my anxiety/depression is heavy on me. And though my insight is limited, it doesn’t surprise me at all that you didn’t experience depression in the midst of your cancer treatments, but rather a year later; I think part of enduring something so so hard like that makes a person rally his/her own strength. It’s when the hardest parts are over and we get even just a little relief that the mental, emotional, and physical effects kick in.
You must be so strong.
I’m praying for your health. God bless you.
Today in Verily Magazine I read an article that reminded me of something – family dysfunction when there is any history of of alcoholism or mental illness the family can ripple out and give us problems in relating to other people, to ourselves, and to our limits and boundaries. I read the article, and then the Amazon link description for the book “Adult Child of the Alcoholic: Struggling For Intimacy” by Woitiz, and it was a revelation about how my anxiety happens. I have no reason to believe either of my parents ever had alcohol problems, but mental illness and alcoholism has certainly been a presence in the extended family, and I think the addict/enabler relationship dynamic permeates a lot of how I see myself and my place in the world. I don’t know if any of you ladies want to look it up, but understanding that dynamic has suddenly crystallized my understanding of *how* I can keep my boundaries healthy and take better care of myself.
Such rock solid insight, Tara. I think Al Anon literature is such a blessing on its own, with or without an addict in your life. Boundaries are so so important, but delicate things to establish. Have you read any of the Boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud? I heard him speak a couple of times and it was eye-opening.
I have suffered from depression an anxiety for many years. At my worst I thought I was having a heart attack. I got help after I tempted to hurt myself. I was broken but I received help. That is the most important thing I can say!!! Talk to someone. But GET HELP NOW….
I could not echo your words enough, Gerri. Thank you for your comment. I think we women put so much pressure on ourselves to handle difficulties alone, but there is help ready and waiting for each of our struggles.
God bless!!
Hello Katie! I can’t tell you how much I loved your article! The entire time reading it I felt like they could have been my words because your experience is so similar to mine. And since I know this and how awful it can be I’m sorry you have to deal with it. It’s not easy and I admire you in finding strength in God and yourself. I hope I can do so also. Thank you for writing this. I’m sure it means a lot to everyone who read it.